New Goal: Quit my job
TANGIBLE EVIDENCE OF MEMORIES THAT PRECEDED THE PRESENT; CONCRETE ARTIFACTS OF OBSOLETE SPECTERS AND THEIR FAILED ATTEMPTS TO FEEL; MEMORIES OF THINGS I HATE.
Her: This is not my business. It’s between you and ***. I’m sorry that you feel that strong of a need to control your boyfriend’s relationships. I’m assuming there are some issues that you haven’t worked out. I will delete his number. Please stop harassing me.
Me: It’s not a need to control his relationships. I’m just not a fan of desperately clingy and pathetically flirty so-called friends who disrespect the appropriate boundaries [required] for a healthy platonic relationship, k?
Me: The problem is you, not me. Remember that, k? Have a nice life.
Cupping cellular silence to my ear, I sit. Sleeping cats tuck themselves into rising falling crescents while Guadalupe’s lit flame flicks. There is nothing that I can tell you about the weight that sits on my chest. A certain type of gravity, it crouches, sits and waits. It waits, knees taunt, craving forced syllables, sighs and pauses. It shifts from side to side, in lack of semantics to be met with silence, more pressure….. a pause. Waiting it waits through more silence, deliberate, endless, and empty. It swells, stretches out and waits. And in this moment of waiting it grows dense, oblique; it starves. Waiting and waiting, it waits, it waits then cracks. Preying on the chests of women who cannot tell what is already known, this gravity’s pressure makes fractures like map lines and cobwebs, makes fractures like needle and thread.
/ CHANNELLING POSI VIBES TO KEEP ENDLESS BUMMERS AT BAY \
Took the GREs for the first time today. My math score, as predicted, was laughable. On the other hand, my raw verbal score (not counting my essay score) was above the minimum requirement for applying for the teaching assistantship for the program I’m interested in. Let’s hope I can score 8-10 points higher next time. Until then, its time to rest, study, and complete apps.
Daily goal? To work on 2-3 MFA applications, study for the GREs, draft my personal statement, stare at my resume, and passively look for tutoring or adjunct positions. Totally skipping “Teaching Fiction Writing” today so I can “plan” the rest of my life. Note to self: email prof. Note to self: feel “sorry.”
Rutgers / Brown University / Northwestern University / University of Ohio / University of Michigan / Carnegie Mellon University / University of Minnesota